Why I don't post

Last night, we went to see "The Visitor" at the Crest. For my partner, the movie spoke vividly to him as a musician and music teacher in certain parts. For me, the movie spoke to something I've been feeling all summer. In one scene, in a cab drive, the mother of the detained illegal immigrant character says to the main character Walter that he doesn't need to do all this for their family, that he is busy, he has his class to teach, his book to write. And Walter confesses, "I have been teaching the same one class for the last twenty years. I haven't worked on this book much at all. I'm a pretender. I've become very good at pretending." Okay, so that's not exactly what he said, but you get the gist of it. Now Walter really doesn't want to teach, he doesn't want to write this book, he doesn't even know what it should be about. Until meeting these illegal immigrants, he has been spiritually dead inside and for years has been pretending to uphold whatever sense of importance he had when his wife was alive and his son lived at home and he actually wrote books. These new people, and the drumming he takes up at the encouragement of the detained immigrant--they are his spiritual awakening and he can finally face the fact that his life is based on pretending to be something that he isn't now, and maybe never was.
Okay, so back to this summer. Hell, let's go back to late last November. Now, I wrote a great deal in late February thru May on my novel. But the winter was very dark. I felt spiritually dead inside. I say "spiritually" in terms that my human spirit didn't know its own desires. And to be honest, while I don't feel spiritually dead inside right now, I've been spiritually confused. My spirit wishes for too much and cannot prioritize. This situation really became complicated with "summer." The summer that sort of was, but sort of never was.... In the summer, I like to be gardening in the sun, swimming in cool lakes in warm sunshine, reading books in the hammock. I don't like writing that much. And I struggle with transitioning in and out of vacation mode. I want vacations. I dread vacations. I want to visit family. There's baggage wtih family. I want to spend quality time with Wes. I want to spend quality time alone. Then the "I should do... " & "I ought to be..." junk starts coming, especially when the weather is not that summer-y. And this summer had additional stress waiting for a family member's cancer diagnosis. A diagnosis that we know is coming, and know will be one of two things, but because of some misleading information and arrogant medical practitioners, we still are waiting for here on the brink of the fall equinox.
My point: with such a confused and still weak spiritualality, I feel like I've been pretending at everything all summer. Nothing feels complete. I have been unable to harness my spirit to any one--hell, I'd take two or three even--things and the lack of accomplishment or dedication on my part is beginning to take its toll. I'm not making money. I'm not making much progress with the book. I'm not making much progress with my personal life. I'm struggling to uphold my relationship with my partner of almost eight years. I need my spirit to step up and recognize its will. I need to stop being afraid. I need to complete things. I need to release things. I need to make decisions and act on those decisions. I need to shine up my spirit and share it. I need to embrace that spirit and embrace what I can not control and open up and relax. I need to quit pretending to be everything, or to have a hold on what is going on around me. I don't right now. I can.
I start now. And my spirit says, "you aren't a good blogger. you want to be doing something else. so knock it off."