hello, I am a 33-year-old woman who isn't living up to somebody's, anybody's, this body's expectations.
So if you read my November post about Tomatoes and Tomahtoes and the challenges of being a Tomahto in love and in a relationship with a Tomato, I posed a question about what it might look like if the Tomato-Tomahto Soup doesn't work out.
Here's your answer:
My feet in my hammock on the garden patio of my former and once again apartment for one. Yup, the Tomahto and Tomato called the whole thing off. And while I didn't know what that would look like exactly, I had some expectations and they totally were off base. I thought it would be sad (TRUE) and that we'd share that sadness and the process together (NOT TRUE). I thought we'd be able to hang out and be really good friends and help each other out and still confide in each other about tough life events (NO, NO, NO, and NOOOOO). Expectations--blech. What gives with expectations? And when will I ever stop having them and clinging to them?
This could get very Buddhist. I could go into the 8 Worldly (or Mundane) Concerns or Conditions. Hell, why not? These 8 concerns preoccupy a good deal of how we spend our time and generally monopolize our thoughts one way or another. They're all about craving, obtaining, and clinging to what we perceive as pathways to happiness and away from suffering, i.e. 1. pleasurable experiences; 2. pleasing material possessions, 3. pleasuring reactions from others to our actions (praise); and 4. having a pleasing reputation with others as a super-fantastic human being. The other 4 concerns revolve around our fear of losing or not obtaining these perceived pleasures and perhaps finding ourselves on pathways we perceive as undesirable and causes for suffering through 5. painful experiences; 6. loss or failure to obtain material possessions; 7. displeasure from others to our actions (blame); and 8. having a negative reputation among others as being totally unlovable or toxic or stupid or dangerous or unkind or a waste of the earth's oxygen supply, etc.
Anyway, humans (especially Americans) invest an awful lot of time working to get these things, be this way, etc. and not experience ugly things, like sitting next to someone with horrible body odor at a concert. And we are quick to form EXPECTATIONS that we deserve and can get the pleasure things and then we'll be happy. Vice versa, we EXPECT that avoiding the person with B.O. will prevent suffering in our lives, and that we will suffer great unhappiness upon losing one's i-pod. Okay, these are very superficial examples of expectations and how we feel entitled to happiness and seek it very superficial means and how suffering is for other people, "not me, God forbid" and we don't ever expect it and then when the shit hits the fan... well, it really hits the fan because we never expected it to hit the fan, we expected it to miss the fan all together and now we're covered in it and don't know what to do about poo.
And our expectations about what will bring us joy and what will save us from suffering tend to be wrong. I had a grocery list of expectations and wishes that I thought would bring Tomato-Tomahto happiness and end the Tomato-Tomahto troubles. And then some unexpected troubles arise, and wham! I was staring at my expectation list and going... "aw, shit, this stuff isn't going to happen. Not now. Maybe never." And I'd been wasting time clinging onto it, afraid to pursue certain items because I expected some items on the list to be difficult and cause some suffering to go through, though I expected going through the suffering would ultimately result in more pleasure. Which may have been true, except that the unexpected troubles pretty much rained all over my expectation list and blurred the ink beyond recognition so I was left thinking, "What DID I expect? How much time did I spend turning my wheels over this totally illegible expectation list? Did having that list make me happy even?"
I can answer those questions now: I don't know what I expected, but it was a lot of something; I probably spent a couple years spinning my wheels over that list, if it wasn't just a Tomato-Tomahto specialized amendment to a life-long expectation list; and having that expectation list made me miserable and stressed out. And realizing this REALLY made me miserable and stressed out because I realized I was defining myself by expectations of things that were not likely to come to bear, expectations and wants that actually stressed me out and were bad for my mental health--and the Tomato too--and if I eventually had checked off the things on the list, I might not be an iota happier and I'd form another list of expectations of wants and not wants. So I flipped out and ripped up the list, but that doesn't mean I didn't form a zillion new expectations and "If I just get a car, I'll feel happier" and "He's better off without me and he would have left me sooner or later anyway." (Those expectations? Yes, The car did make me feel happier at first, and it is helpful to have my own wheels. But it has drawbacks, like expenses and the environmental impact and I don't bike, walk, or bus as much anymore--which I don't like. And I don't know if he's better off without me or that he would have left me sooner or later--how could I know that? I'm not him and he might not know those things either.)
Sometimes, I expect the absolute worst, which depending on how much I want the opposite, can make me act like a total psycho. I cry and scream about something that might not even be real and then I'm REAL popular with my close company. Sometimes, expecting things to be crappy and deciding to suffer through it anyway can lead to some surprises--things aren't as crappy as I expected and I even experience moments of joy or peace in what I expected to be a shit storm. On those occasions, I really wonder why I waste brain space expecting anything because things really never go the way one expects them to. Maybe close, but not exactly. And if I stop expecting things, like a friendship with the Tomato, or for the Tomato to start dating someone I know which causes me to get insanely jealous... I'm just wasting time. Expectations and "What if?" obsessions are great for the characters and plot lines in my fiction. But in real life, I'd like to expect a lot less of everything and be in the moment as it arises, be it happy or miserable.
I expect not expecting sunbeams or hailstorms in my daily forecast would/could/will/might be very challenging for me!
Here's your answer:
My feet in my hammock on the garden patio of my former and once again apartment for one. Yup, the Tomahto and Tomato called the whole thing off. And while I didn't know what that would look like exactly, I had some expectations and they totally were off base. I thought it would be sad (TRUE) and that we'd share that sadness and the process together (NOT TRUE). I thought we'd be able to hang out and be really good friends and help each other out and still confide in each other about tough life events (NO, NO, NO, and NOOOOO). Expectations--blech. What gives with expectations? And when will I ever stop having them and clinging to them?
This could get very Buddhist. I could go into the 8 Worldly (or Mundane) Concerns or Conditions. Hell, why not? These 8 concerns preoccupy a good deal of how we spend our time and generally monopolize our thoughts one way or another. They're all about craving, obtaining, and clinging to what we perceive as pathways to happiness and away from suffering, i.e. 1. pleasurable experiences; 2. pleasing material possessions, 3. pleasuring reactions from others to our actions (praise); and 4. having a pleasing reputation with others as a super-fantastic human being. The other 4 concerns revolve around our fear of losing or not obtaining these perceived pleasures and perhaps finding ourselves on pathways we perceive as undesirable and causes for suffering through 5. painful experiences; 6. loss or failure to obtain material possessions; 7. displeasure from others to our actions (blame); and 8. having a negative reputation among others as being totally unlovable or toxic or stupid or dangerous or unkind or a waste of the earth's oxygen supply, etc.
Anyway, humans (especially Americans) invest an awful lot of time working to get these things, be this way, etc. and not experience ugly things, like sitting next to someone with horrible body odor at a concert. And we are quick to form EXPECTATIONS that we deserve and can get the pleasure things and then we'll be happy. Vice versa, we EXPECT that avoiding the person with B.O. will prevent suffering in our lives, and that we will suffer great unhappiness upon losing one's i-pod. Okay, these are very superficial examples of expectations and how we feel entitled to happiness and seek it very superficial means and how suffering is for other people, "not me, God forbid" and we don't ever expect it and then when the shit hits the fan... well, it really hits the fan because we never expected it to hit the fan, we expected it to miss the fan all together and now we're covered in it and don't know what to do about poo.
And our expectations about what will bring us joy and what will save us from suffering tend to be wrong. I had a grocery list of expectations and wishes that I thought would bring Tomato-Tomahto happiness and end the Tomato-Tomahto troubles. And then some unexpected troubles arise, and wham! I was staring at my expectation list and going... "aw, shit, this stuff isn't going to happen. Not now. Maybe never." And I'd been wasting time clinging onto it, afraid to pursue certain items because I expected some items on the list to be difficult and cause some suffering to go through, though I expected going through the suffering would ultimately result in more pleasure. Which may have been true, except that the unexpected troubles pretty much rained all over my expectation list and blurred the ink beyond recognition so I was left thinking, "What DID I expect? How much time did I spend turning my wheels over this totally illegible expectation list? Did having that list make me happy even?"
I can answer those questions now: I don't know what I expected, but it was a lot of something; I probably spent a couple years spinning my wheels over that list, if it wasn't just a Tomato-Tomahto specialized amendment to a life-long expectation list; and having that expectation list made me miserable and stressed out. And realizing this REALLY made me miserable and stressed out because I realized I was defining myself by expectations of things that were not likely to come to bear, expectations and wants that actually stressed me out and were bad for my mental health--and the Tomato too--and if I eventually had checked off the things on the list, I might not be an iota happier and I'd form another list of expectations of wants and not wants. So I flipped out and ripped up the list, but that doesn't mean I didn't form a zillion new expectations and "If I just get a car, I'll feel happier" and "He's better off without me and he would have left me sooner or later anyway." (Those expectations? Yes, The car did make me feel happier at first, and it is helpful to have my own wheels. But it has drawbacks, like expenses and the environmental impact and I don't bike, walk, or bus as much anymore--which I don't like. And I don't know if he's better off without me or that he would have left me sooner or later--how could I know that? I'm not him and he might not know those things either.)
Sometimes, I expect the absolute worst, which depending on how much I want the opposite, can make me act like a total psycho. I cry and scream about something that might not even be real and then I'm REAL popular with my close company. Sometimes, expecting things to be crappy and deciding to suffer through it anyway can lead to some surprises--things aren't as crappy as I expected and I even experience moments of joy or peace in what I expected to be a shit storm. On those occasions, I really wonder why I waste brain space expecting anything because things really never go the way one expects them to. Maybe close, but not exactly. And if I stop expecting things, like a friendship with the Tomato, or for the Tomato to start dating someone I know which causes me to get insanely jealous... I'm just wasting time. Expectations and "What if?" obsessions are great for the characters and plot lines in my fiction. But in real life, I'd like to expect a lot less of everything and be in the moment as it arises, be it happy or miserable.
I expect not expecting sunbeams or hailstorms in my daily forecast would/could/will/might be very challenging for me!
posted by Jess | 9:51 AM
2 Comments:
I heart that picture. Can I use it as my desktop?
Hell, why not?
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